


a kylo ren origin story

by villavona



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, a lot of swearing, this is the dumbest fucking thing i'v ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:39:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5871694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villavona/pseuds/villavona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the real reason ben organa-solo turned to the dark side</p>
            </blockquote>





	a kylo ren origin story

**Author's Note:**

> this is legitimately the stupidest thing anyone has ever written and i can't believe i'm publishing it but none of you know who i am or where i live or my real name so i am unstoppable

“Oh my god!” Ben shrieks. “You two are—”

 

“Banging,” Han supplies helpfully.

 

“Fornicating,” says Admiral Akbar in his deep voice.

 

“Fucking,” says Leia cheerfully from behind Han. “Ben, why aren’t you at school?”

 

“I can’t believe this!” says Ben. “Augh! This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me?”

 

“Did he see me?” says Lando from behind the couch after Ben’s stormed out. “That would probably make it worse.”

 

“I don’t think so,” Boba Fett says, squirming out from under Lando. “He would’ve been madder.”

 

Han starts laughing. “Leia, remember when we thought we would be bad parents?”

 

“I think this is good parenting,” Leia tells him. “We’re teaching him people aren’t always what they seem.”

 

“I agree,” Boba Fett pipes up. “For instance, who would’ve thought Admiral Akbar could have sex?”

 

“I thought it was fornicating,” says Lando. “Aren’t you evil anyway?”

 

“No, he’s on our side now,” says Han. “Don’t be rude, Calrissian.”

 

“I love your pants lightsaber,” Admiral Akbar says to Han very seriously. Han looks up at him, stroking a gentle hand down his face.

 

“Thanks, buddy. So does Leia.”

 

“Jesus,” says Leia. “I haven’t even come yet. Maybe if Asshole Fett would take off the helmet and put down the blaster we might get somewhere.”

 

“I’m over here,” Boba Fett says. “I think you’re fucking a Stormtrooper.”

 

“Holy hell!” Leia shouts. “You’re right!”

 

“Don’t worry,” Lando says, yanking the Stormtrooper’s helmet off. “Look, it’s really Wedge Antilles.”

 

“Oh, thank God,” says Leia heartily, ripping off Wedge’s armor with her Force powers. “You go, my little pilot friend. Don’t take it out till I scream.”

 

 

 

 

Ben sits on the couch, sulking. He’s still glowering at the ground when his parents walk in, accompanied by Boba Fett and Lando Calrissian.

 

Ben jumps up, pointing an accusing finger at his parents. “You were having sex!” He’s still only twelve, and he blushes a furious red when he has to say the words out loud.

 

“We were,” Han agrees placidly. “Pretty good sex, too.”

 

“EAAHHH!” Ben screeches, clapping his hands over his ears. “Stop!”

 

“Honey, do you know about the birds and the bees?” Leia asks, real concern in her voice. “Do you need The Talk? He needs The Talk, Boba Fett, can you give him The Talk?”

 

“Okay, lady,” says Boba Fett metallically, and begins explaining sex to Ben, who runs out of the room screaming.

 

He crashes into Luke’s apartment across the hallway, screaming, “UNCLE! HELP!”

 

Luke runs out of his room, looking panicked. “Ben! Who’s attacking you?”

 

Ben looks up at him with terrified eyes. “My mom… and dad… and Lando… and Akbar… and Boba Fett… and a Stormtrooper…”

 

“What?!” says Luke.

 

Ben nods frantically. “They were—”

 

“Are your parents alive?” says Luke, and Ben blinks.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Excellent!” Luke shouts, lifting up a couch in glee. “Survival for everyone!”

 

“But, Uncle, they were—” Ben tries again.

 

Luke flings the couch through the window out of joy. “Were they fornicating?”

 

“Yes!” Ben wails, and Luke whoops in terror.

 

“My God!”

 

“I know!” Ben screams, and Luke puts a finger to his lips. Next door, Boba Fett is yelling in his metallic voice through loud breaths.

 

“I love your shirt volcanoes!”

 

“They’re boobs!” Han screams just as loudly.

 

“Torso towers!” Boba Fett half-shrieks half-moans, and there’s a loud rhythmic banging against the wall. Ben winces.

 

“Well, my boy,” says Luke. “I don’t know what to tell you, other than that I have super-strength earplugs if you need them.”

 

“Everyone is useless!” Ben howls. “I hate the Skywalker family!”

 

He runs out of the room, fuming.

 

 

 

 

“Hey, where’s Ben?” says Leia the next day, looking up from where she’s writing out _Former President George W Bush eats human flesh_ in calligraphy.

 

“I don’t know,” says Han, who’s braiding Chewie’s hair into cornrows. “Who’s Former President George W Bush?”

 

“I don’t know,” Leia answers. “It came to me in a dream, but I know it’s true. I can feel it.”

 

Han yawns. “We should call him. It’s getting late.”

 

Leia glances at the clock. “It’s seven am.”

 

“Late,” Han observes philosophically.

 

 

 

 

A hundred miles away, Ben has just built his own lightsaber, a glowingly red three-pronged thing that hisses and sputters erratically.

 

“How did you know to do that?” Luke says, holding a joint in one hand and a lighter in the other. Smoke drifts away from his open mouth. “I never taught you that.”

 

Ben puts on a black mask and turns to face him. “The power of the Dark Side showed me,” he snarls through the voice changing front. “Every day I grow stronger.”

 

“That’s mad trippy, dude,” says Luke, and takes another hit. “I don’t think your mama’s going to like this.”

 

“My mama?!” the black mask that used to be Ben Solo shrieks. “My mama who committed coitus with Boba Fett! My mama who watched my father have relations with Admiral Akbar! My father who fornicated with Lando Calrissian and Wedge Antilles! Disappointments! They are no family of mine!”

 

“Shit, dude,” says Luke.

 

“I have no family!” screams the young Sith lord, slashing down a tree with his lightsaber. “I’m going to murder all the little children with my lightsaber!”

 

“Shit,” says Luke again, dropping the roach in the ashtray to his right. “I don’t think you should do that, little brother.”

 

But the ex-Ben Solo was already gone.

 

 

 

 

 

“Ben murdered the kids,” Leia reports to Han that night. “He’s turned to the Dark Side because we were disappointing parents. He plans to take down the Republic and the Jedi.”

 

“Where’s Luke?” says Han.

 

“Luke flew away,” Leia tells him. “I think he’s probably going to the island place.”

 

“Cool, cool,” says Han distractedly. “So what do we do?”

 

Leia shrugs. “Invite everyone over for a good time?”

 

Han’s mouth twists up. “I’m not feeling the whole crowd. Reminds me of the kid used to be our son.”

 

“Yeah, no, I got you,” says Leia, sitting down next to him.

 

“Let’s drink until we pass out,” Han suggests.

 

“Alrighty!” says Leia. So they do that.

 

 

 

 

 

“I want to serve you,” Kylo Ren says to Supreme Leader Snoke.

 

“Sweet,” Snoke booms.

 

“I just gotta know one thing,” says Kylo Ren. “Are you really like fifty feet tall? Cuz I gotta tell you, I’m gonna have some serious self-image issues in regards to my height.”

 

“I’m actually fifty feet tall,” says Snoke. “But secretly I’m only four eleven and a half.”

 

“So, like, do you have a really small camera on the ground?” Kylo Ren asks.

 

“Yeah, you should come check it out sometime,” says Snoke.

 

“No thanks,” Kylo Ren tells him. “I’ve had enough disappointments since my parents. I can’t handle anything else.”

 

“Whatever,” Snoke says sinisterly.

 

 

 

 

“So what does the new guy look like?” one of the Stormtroopers asks Hux.

 

“He’s got a mask,” says Hux. “I think he’s probably hot.”

 

“You’re right,” says Kylo Ren, sitting down with his tray. “Sorry. This seat taken?”

 

“Now it is,” Hux breathes, staring into Kylo Ren’s deep and alluring black mask. “I’m not. I’m single.”

 

“Wow,” says Kylo Ren, and stabs himself in the mask with his fork a couple times. The Stormtroopers stare. “I’ll eat later,” says Kylo Ren, and Hux sighs in tormented desire as Kylo Ren stands up and walks away.

 

“He’s so hot,” he says to the nearest Stormtrooper.

 

“Sure, sure,” says FN-2187.

 

 

 

 

“Leia, we can’t be together anymore,” says Han. “I just straight up fucking suck.”

 

“You’re right,” says Leia. “I’m gonna become an important person again. You’ve been holding me back.”

 

“Okay,” Han agrees. “I’m gonna smuggle some shit with my boys.”

 

“I love you,” says Leia, slapping his ass. “Keep it tight.”

 

“I love you too,” says Han, licking her elbow. “Bet you didn’t even feel that.”

 

“Feel what?” says Leia.

 

 

 

 

A whole bunch of years go by and Kylo Ren starts trying to take over everything.

 

“This is shitty,” says Leia. “I’m a damn good mom. His teenage rebellion should be over by now.”

 

“It’s because he caught us fucking,” says Boba Fett.

 

“Poe, go get the map to find Luke,” says Leia.

 

“Okay,” says Poe, brushing his romantically curly hair out of his eyes. “I wonder if I’ll unexpectedly discover love while I’m at it.”

 

“Who knows?” says Leia.

 

 

 

 

“Holy shit!” says Kylo Ren. “How can they have gotten away!”

 

“It was a pilot and a trained soldier, sir,” says Phasma robotically. “They were literally the perfect people to break out.”

 

“Fuck!” says Kylo Ren. “How did I not think of that? Did we think of that? Did anyone think of that?”

 

“I did, you beautiful Sithy lord,” says Hux breathily.

 

“Shut up,” says Kylo Ren, and slices a hole in the wall with his lightsaber.

 

 

 

 

So Finn’s on a sand place, he knows that much, and there’s this crazy girl running at him murderously. With a large staff.

 

He makes the executive decision to run the hell away.

 

She beats him up, of course, because she’s crazy and badass and he hasn’t eaten in like three days.

 

“You’re Poe Dameron’s droid,” he says to the strange little ball droid. It whistles like an asshole.

 

“Wow!” says the girl. “I am Rey! Let’s fight the Empire together!”

 

“They’re called the first order,” Finn tells her, “And holy hell! No! What’s wrong with you! You want to fight crazy people? Why?”

 

The droid makes a wheeeeeoooooo noise, probably telling him to fuck off. He kicks it and it goes flying, looking appropriately soccerish.

 

“Why would you even do that?” says Rey. She sounds genuinely offended.

 

Just then Stormtroopers start trying to explode them, and Finn hauls the damn desert girl away to the janky-looking ship.

 

“This ship fucking sucks, you stupid asshole!” Rey shouts at him, and makes it take off and leap unceremoniously into lightspeed.

 

 

 

 

“Listen up, Finn, you trash whore,” Han Solo says to him. “This is my ship. You get your ass off it and go home. Where you from anyway?”

 

“I’m a kidnapped baby,” Finn informs him. “I have no home.”

 

“Dude,” says Han Solo. “Me too. Up top.” They high five. Rey shrieks in celebration.  

 

 

 

 

“Hey, isn’t that your ex-girlfriend?” Finn asks Han two days later. Han looks up.

 

“That’s my wife,” he says. “Shit. Hey baby!”

 

Leia meets his eyes and scowls while grinning. “Yo! You quivering piece of meat, you! How you been since our son became a murderous asshole?”

 

“Pretty good,” Han says, giving her an aggressive open-mouthed kiss in welcome. “He tried to kill us just now.”

 

“Yeah, he does that, huh,” says Leia, and grabs his ass. Han yelps. “Who’re the kids?”

 

“I’m Finn,” says Finn.

 

“I’m no one,” says Rey.

 

“She’s Rey,” says Han.

 

“I’m Rey,” says Finn.

 

“You’re Finn,” says Leia.

 

“I’m Leia,” says Rey.

 

“Oh my goodness!” Threepio yelps. “I’m just a shitty droid people keep around for seven goddamn movies with no fucking explanation! You know they could’ve got another protocol droid who spoke even more languages! Why in hell would anybody want my annoying ass, cockblocking ass, stupid ass self around! I don’t know either!” He leapt into a pool of lava and screamed in pain even though droids have no pain. Then he was dead, and the entire galaxy was finally rid of a stupid droid who fucking sucked.

 

“That was exciting,” says Leia. She and Han are busy having rough _we haven’t seen each other in fifteen years and we used to bang a Lot_ sex on the ground. Rey and Finn cover each other’s eyes.

 

 

 

 

“You hunky pilot!” Finn shouts. Poe turns around, and his deep brown eyes light up with joy and rekindled love.

 

Finn smiles sexily at him, and Poe gasps. “You are the man I love, even though we only spoke about ten things to each other and knew each other for all of twenty minutes. I know that you are my soulmate.”

 

“I feel the same way,” Finn assures him, and they rush towards each other and meet in a passionate lovers’ embrace.

 

“What the fuck,” says Rey. “This shit never happened on Jakku.”

 

 

 

 

They explode the Death Star 3.0, and everyone celebrates. Yung Based Jedi Rey goes off to find Luke Skywalker.

 

“You can tell him it’s not his fault Ben went bad,” Leia tells her. “It was mine and Han’s since Ben walked in on our orgy. My god, I miss those days. Remind me to reunite with Lando and Wedge and Ackbar and Boba Fett soon so we can relive the good times.”

 

Rey literally vomits on the ground. “When will all these goddamn sex zombies leave me alone?”

 

“Luke Skywalker!” she shouts at Luke Skywalker. She knows he’s Luke Skywalker because he’s wearing pants that say Luke Skywalker across the ass in sparkly lettering. “Did you always dress like this?”

 

Luke turns around. “Kiddo, I just went here to be gay in peace. Leia and Han were too straight.”  


“Han was very bisexual,” Rey tells him. “Also, didn’t the two of you used to hook up?”

 

Luke starts to cry. “Yes. We were actually married. Everything I say is a lie.”

 

“Tell me the truth!” Rey yells at him.

 

“Waughaughauhgaughwuahauhgw,” Chewie says. Luke Skywalker returns home with them.

 

 

 

 

Rey goes after Kylo Ren and picks him up and shoots him in the head with a paintball gun. “Take that, you emo fucker. I hate you. You suck ass.”

 

“Not my lover!” Hux wails from behind Rey, and she shoots him too.

 

“Fuck off, you goddamn space Nazis!” she screams, and kills everyone in the First Order and stupid Emperor Snoke’s four foot ass. “I’m the captain now!”

 

The entire First Order is dead. Rey rules the galaxy happily. Finn and Poe buy their own planet and have seventeen children. Leia dies peacefully knowing that Threepio can never cockblock her and Han again. Luke also dies happily because he and Han were totally fucking the whole time anyway and they can keep up their happy marriage in the afterlife. Boba Fett and Lando and Wedge and Ackbar have another orgy even though they’re all old dudes and it’s weird. The galaxy far far away finally runs out of problems. Hallelujah.

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck i honestly can't believe i wrote 2000 words of this absolute trash. someone come murder me


End file.
